Archive for April, 2010

Remember when you used to shine and have no fear or sense of time when it creeps up on you?

April 28, 2010

This past weekend, I decided to go home. Those who are reading this who are from my home town understand that there is little to do, especially when your friends aren’t home, so instead of pestering someone for company I decided to venture to the mall.

Being alone at the mall without much of a purpose was horrendously odd. I wanted to go get some information on my ring and do some present shopping, but other than that, I was just there for the sake of being somewhere. I noticed that my feet were moving much faster than everyone else’s. Even though I had absolutely no objective, I’ve gotten used to walking everywhere with a solid purpose. I guess that’s how college is. I’m rushing to class, rushing to see my friends, rushing to dinner, rushing, rushing, rushing. I wondered if that’s how life is going to be from here on out.

Being a Friday or Saturday night (I went both nights for errands haha) I saw a fair share of high school and middle school kids with nothing better to do, loitering, eating, giggling, running about, all the same things I used to do when I was that age. One girl reminded me oddly of myself, highlighted hair which she had yet to learn how to style, way too much eye makeup, a “Team Jacob” t-shirt, and I felt my general demeanor when I was 15. Given, I didn’t own a “Team Jacob” t-shirt when I was 15, but I owned a few My Chemical Romance ones. It was odd to think that was me five years ago, because five years seems like such a long time to someone who is only 20.

I wonder how much I’ve changed and at the same time, how much I haven’t.

Stylistically I’ve changed. I pay a lot more attention to the way I look and present myself. I was chubbier at 15, but I somehow convinced myself that my t-shirt size was a men’s XL. Yeah…no. I received my first hair straightener when I was 17, so my hair was tragic. I wore gummy bracelets, baggy pants, and lots of eyeliner. Black was essentially the only color in my wardrobe (it’s still prominent, but I’m actually wearing some red right now!). The thought of being 20 never really crossed my mind. I was too concerned with just surviving high school.

Now that I’m 20, I feel like I should be wiser and just…know better. Even though I was an adult, legally speaking, at 18, I felt as though I could chalk up all of my youthful indiscretions to being a “stupid teenager.” Now, I have no excuse. I am 20. I should be responsible. The thing is, I don’t feel any different from that 15-year-old girl. I have different views on life, certainly. However, I’m still that girl I was at 15, trying to figure out herself and the world between all of the obligations of life. I am different in some ways, but I don’t feel like time has passed. I feel young and crazy. I know that 20 isn’t old at all, but it’s just the concept of getting older that freaks me out. I can’t imagine myself ever feeling something other than young and crazy.

Everything is happening so fast and everyone is growing up so fast. It’s just the strangest feeling in the world. I used to want to get married right out of college. That’s two years from now. There is no way that is ever going to happen because I’d want to date someone for a few years before getting engaged…hah. But, this is going to happen to people I know and it’s just so strange! I know some of my classmates have already had children and that absolutely blows my mind. I can hardly take care of myself, and here are my peers, being responsible for another life.

Growing up is so strange and surreal. I’m aware the speech in this is just so poor and I’m doing a bad job expressing myself. I am just stunned and in awe of everything.

I wanted to look like ~*~*GERARD WAY*~*~ because I worshipped him. I don't know why I thought this was cute. Have a good lol at my expense.

‘Cause we are living in a material world and I am…a broke college student.

April 24, 2010

So, I was checking my blog stats and I got a HUGE influx the day I wrote my entry about hookups/sex. You filthy people! Maybe I should write more raunchy things? Anywhoo…

Angry rant time! Ready? Go!

I was sitting in my dorm room sometime earlier this week, perhaps even typing something into this blog. All of the sudden, I hear something click into the crease where my laptop screen meets the keyboard part. Something tiny and shiny flew into there. “SHIT!” I exclaim, my eyes darting to my left hand’s middle finger. My worst fears had been confirmed. The diamond and setting from my favorite ring on my middle finger had come flying out. I must have brushed it somehow to cause it to come FLYING out, however, I was in too much of a state of shock to remember the details. I knew I was going home on the weekend, so I didn’t sweat it. I’d talk to the nice people in Kay Jeweler’s to see what I could do!

A little bit of context: I bought that ring to replace one that had been given to me as a gift. Long story short, almost three years ago, I was in a pretty low place and I wanted to make myself feel appreciated…by myself. So, I bought a pretty diamond ring to take a spot of a ring my high school boyfriend gave me (the wound was fresh…haha) and it was a lovely, empowering moment. I was independent and I did not need a man to give me jewelry! I could do it on my own! Mind you, it’s a $150 ring. I didn’t spend my money too wisely in high school, but I sure had more of it than I do now.

So, I march into the mall, all business-like, heading straight for Kay Jeweler’s. I ended up waiting around awkwardly for a little while, so my broke self pretended to be interested in the jewelry in the display cases. I felt extremely uncomfortable looking at all types of clunky diamond rings that I would A) never buy and B) never want to receive. They’re just too expensive! I never want anyone spending that much money on me, but I digress. Eventually, a man comes over and helps me, looks at my ring pieces for all of two seconds and informs me that, “This is going to be prong work and prong work and will cost you about $100.” My heart sank, because that’s 2/3 the worth of the ring! To fix it! What the hell! I made some cutesy comment, thanked him, and scuttled my monetarily-challenged self out of there, my imaginary tail between my legs.

I wandered around the mall a little bit more, just because I hadn’t been there in a while, and quite a few new stores opened up. One caught my eye with beautiful dresses in black and white…but I didn’t feel like going in there. Usually, any new store in our mall is high-end and they follow me around because I’m definitely going to try to steal something. Right.

It upset me how saddened and ashamed I was of not being able to afford a little fix like that, since the ring meant so much to me. I felt like everyone in the store was judging me, the under-dressed, poor college student. They knew I had no place in there.

I went into Claire’s to try to find anything to hold the place, since I fiddled with that ring often, but the rings there were too gaudy and downright ugly. I just want my old ring back. I want the ring that stayed with me these years, reminding me that I need to value myself! I guess valuing myself comes with a price tag, huh? Oh, materialism. How I hate thee.

My collection of change. You can see my mom's wedding ring on my middle finger! She's letting me use it as a place-holder because it doesn't fit her. Mommy. ❤

A lonely introvert isn’t a pardox.

April 23, 2010

One of the biggest misconceptions about introverts is that we love being left alone. I suppose that I am blogging about this because I have been feeling inexplicably alone and it is just so disconcerting to me!

I’ll give you the spiel of an introvert straight from the mouth (or fingers, in this case…) of an introvert. I am fully aware that when I am in a comfortable and familiar social environment, I will speak my mind and often times be quite boisterous. However, if I am put in a large group with many people I do not know, I immediately clam up and don’t want to speak. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of these new people or that I don’t want to get to know them; I certainly do! I absolutely love meeting new people. Introverts want to make friends just as much as extroverts do. However, we’re not so quick to warm up or be able to freely express ourselves in a large number of people. Usually, if I am in a large group and I know one person I will latch on to that one person for dear life. I try to play it cool like I’m okay with being surrounded by unfamiliar people, but oh no. Too many unfamiliar people really do overwhelm me. I need to be approached first, so I can get one-on-one time.

That’s where we work best: the small group. At a party, I prefer for people to approach me and strike up the conversations with me. I can’t do the approaching other people thing. Ever. At all. I will very quickly once approached strike up a lively conversation (if I’ve got things to go on) and be just as friendly (if not friendlier ;D) as any extrovert! We draw our energy from these small interactions with people because we are able to devote all of our attention to this individual. Whenever I am in a large group of friends, I always find myself attaching to another person out of the large group because it is just the place where I feel the most comfortable.

I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate my alone time. From my understanding of extroverts, they will consistently prefer being in high-energy social environments to being alone. On occasion, I will need my alone time. Desperately. I need to read, write, blog, or just sit by myself and engage in some music. It is very important for me to have time to reflect upon myself and my day. Perhaps I am now making a sweeping generalization over all other introverts because I am one, but I think that we are a little more introspective than the extrovert. The extrovert can assess social situations and interactions better, but we understand human emotions and the individual better. It is interesting; there is so much to discover and explore within yourself (emotions, motivations, dreams, etc.). The introvert finds that world worth exploring and alone time is needed for such a task.

However, feeling lonely is an issue I find myself facing. It’s hard to physically be alone in a university with tens of thousands of students, a roommate, hallmates, classmates, people walking outside of my dorm and screaming, etc. I’m surrounded by people all of the time, but there is a difference between being physically alone and emotionally alone. I sound like a huge “emo” kid right now, but I’m not too concerned with that. For me, not being alone means someone being beside me, engaging my conversation and thoughts, and being in tune with my emotions. I rarely find anyone on the same emotional frequency as I am at any given time and that is where I feel the most alone. It’s not that I’m unhappy all of the time; I just find it hard to mesh my wavelengths with other people. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Which it doesn’t.

It is hard to put into words what I feel in this case, but think of it this way. Being alone is as such, you are standing around with your friends at the beach. Everyone is talking about how warm the sand feels underneath their toes and how wonderful it is to be out on a sunny day. You are happy to be at the beach and it is certainly wonderful, but instead of standing in the sand, you are standing on your towel.

Yeah, it’s like that. Get it? Comment!

She won't hate that person if he/she talks to her! But she's okay reflecting on the life and times.

Ain’t nothing but mammals, eh?

April 21, 2010

Randall 326 is feeling quite randy tonight, which brings me to tonight’s topic!

HOOKING UP!

I just turned my head to my roommate and announced this excitedly to her, when she mentioned she had already blogged about “casual sex” and apparently I wouldn’t like her take on it. I’ll get to the casual sex part later.

So how, did we arrive to this topic of the night, which is very near and dear to my heart? Well, tonight’s episode of Glee was about Madonna and some of the characters struggling with the status of their virginities. Clearly, Madonna is a strong leader in women respecting themselves and being raunchy beasts! Earlier, we were watching an interview with Lady Gaga and she promotes the same sexual comfort and strength with females. I became giddy with ~*~*girl power*~*~! I just love that there are two prominent female figures in the media who are so open about their sexualities. It is such a taboo thing to discuss in polite society, but why? Of all of the physical acts a person could do in this world, fornication is perhaps the most natural of them all. It’s how we all got here, you know.

In any case, the definition of said “hooking up” by what I have asked many people is simply making out with someone. Honestly, I think that’s a little innocent and I fully condone you marching up to someone and locking lips. It’s a great way to connect with someone on a little bit of a deeper level. A kiss is a door to personality. I won’t get into too many personal stories here because, again, not my LiveJournal, but every person’s kiss is so unique and…for the lack of better word, special. Some lips feel more right than others, some lips you just have to grudgingly accept as sloppy, but the mood just falls together for a good ol’ session of the makey-outey. I have lost all credibility. My way of delivering this subject is becoming so juvenile!

One thing that bothers me is that the good, solid make out is becoming so under appreciated! Tell me, don’t you sometimes just want to make out with someone and not let it go any further? These days (by these days, I mean late teens/early twenties) it seems as though the make out is just a means to the end. You just can’t let the make out progress to something else too quickly, either, if that is what both people are looking for. One does not simply shove the tongue in a throat and then think that all is well! That is most certainly not the case! A great kiss is a powerful tool, ladies and gentlemen. Perfect it. Refine it. Adjust it the receiving individual. Each person goes into the kissing session with a different style and different experiences, explore, embrace, meet halfway, LOVE IT. I’m not saying never let this lead to other things, because it is certainly a great way to get things going, however, revisiting a simpler time when you’d have to sneak a make out in a crevice somewhere in the hallways of your high school can be fun. Right? Anyone? Not classy? Oh.

So, let’s explore  the aforementioned “casual sex” topic. I, for one, am very much on the side of having casual sex. I think that if two people have a great sexual chemistry but no personal chemistry between them, why not let them tear up the sheets? It can be a fulfilling and rewarding experience for both parties involved. Maybe I’ve been reading a little too much Cosmo. Of course, I’m going to say that both parties have to be completely respectful of one another and limits. The word no most certainly means no, and if it’s uttered even once (unless you’re into that sorta thing…) you better immediately stop whatever the hell you’re doing.

Some people seem to think that other people, especially women, who choose to engage in casual sex are somehow “slutty” or “not classy” and I think that is completely untrue. As long as a woman respects herself and her body and demands that the man she is having sex with respects her too, what could be wrong? However, I feel as though I’m implying everyone should run around having sex with everyone…which I’m not. I think that people should certainly be careful who their partners are, always be safe, and all that basic knowledge everyone was taught in middle school But, calling back to this episode of Glee, I think someone’s first time should be really special! Maybe it’s the sentimentalist in me, but it’s culturally built up to be such a tremendous deal and I can’t say I disagree. It is an extremely intimate moment that I believe one should share with someone he or she trusts. Other than the first time, once you’re comfortable with your body and prowess 😉 I think it’s great to embrace your sexuality. It’s not taboo to enjoy sex. If people didn’t like sex so much we wouldn’t have such a huge population issue, now would we?

Let’s not kid ourselves, world. We love being physical with each other. Embrace it! Again, not saying you have to be really into hooking up, because some people aren’t, and that’s okay. However, no one should be ashamed of it. There are so many other facets I want to delve into, like the hook up culture, love and sex, how silly I think everyone is about the sex taboo, but these are all for later I feel. It’s getting late.

Here’s a picture because I don’t have any!

Condams.

I encourage safety, yes I do.

Could it be that everything goes ’round by chance, or only one way, that it was always meant to be?

April 20, 2010

I stole that title from a Jimmy Eat World song titled “Kill” and I wanted to throw that out there before anyone thought that was my brilliance.

In any case, since this blog is in its infancy I feel the need to explain my intent of this at the outset of each entry. I mean, I have a lot of different intentions, but I feel as though when I started it yesterday, it was going to lean more on the cynical criticism side. However, today I was just pondering life…per usual…and I guess I want to take a more hopeful route. It’s cynical towards the status quo but it’s not wrong to strongly wish for something that’s never going to happen, right?

At the risk of sounding extremely whiny, life is so unfair. I just threw a cliche bomb at you and I apologize. However, it’s very true.

One thing that I love to tell myself to believe in is karma. I want to do good things for other people out of the sheer love in my heart, definitely. Sometimes, though, I believe that if I give off goodness to other people, eventually someday it will find its way back to me. I don’t want to sound like I’m horribly unfortunate or anything. I live a good life. I have wonderful people surrounding me (family, friends, classmates, professors, etc.) and I come from a reasonably fortunate lifestyle situation. That alone should be enough to satiate me, but I constantly find myself craving more. I just want to have intangible goodness come back to me. I want to feel loved, invincible, accomplished, strong, and all of that other good stuff I don’t readily feel. I definitely don’t think I’m a saint by any means. I have my flaws…but come on, karma. I spread the love. Sometimes.

DIGRESSION TIME! As of late, I feel as though my quality as a human being has taken a nose dive. If the karma system worked on points, I would certainly be in a hole. The reason why I feel this way is because certain misfortunes have befallen me in life (I’m not about to elaborate) and now I feel that I must have done something to deserve them. Be assured, it’s nothing catastrophic but sometimes I wonder, “…Why me?” Again, whiny, stupid, I know. However, going by the karma I wish to believe in, I need to think myself, “All right, it’s me, now how the hell do I make sure this doesn’t happen again? Good person points? Plz?”

But that’s just my personal experience with karma. I can’t say that  know all of the people who are extremely important to me inside and out. However, I know them fairly well and sometimes I sit and think to myself, “Why the hell do bad things happen to this good person?” It doesn’t seem fair to me and it frustrates me to no end because I know I stand no chance against the forces of the universe! Ugh!

Sometimes I wonder if bad things happen to good people for a reason. Perhaps they are to be our models, to teach us to be strong and handle our problems with grace. I know people far better than I who have dealt with worse misfortunes and I certainly wish I could be more like them. Being such a good, strong, person will set an example for others so maybe that’s the reason behind it?

I’m going to risk embarrassment here and say that one person popped into my head (no, I will not tell you who). I don’t want to be one of those weird girls who says she gets people when she hangs around them enough, but I get a general understanding of your heart after conversing a bit. This one particular individual has one of the most pure hearts I think I have encountered, however, there is such a great sadness there too. I don’t know what this person has done to deserve such sadness in his/her life. Something in my chest tightens when I think about how much he/she doesn’t deserve it.  There has to be a reason why this happens to him/her, right? Yes? Anyone? Please?
Maybe there’s not even a reason. Here I am, going on about life occurrences like everything happens for a reason, which brings me to the title. Is it all chance? Or does everything that happens to us reflect some intangible force and course? (Oh man that rhymed. I love poetry.)

It’s confusing, but mostly frustrating. I want to believe that good people will get all of the love they give to the world back threefold. Desperately. Maybe I’m too young to understand that maybe things will come around for me and everyone else one day, but, maybe this idea of karma is just giving me hope I shouldn’t have.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I want it. I’d rather hope.

And so it begins.

April 19, 2010

So here I am, writing in a wordpress.  Shauna was the friend who coerced me into getting a blog, so she gets a shout out in the second sentence in my blog-dom. I’ve been keeping a LiveJournal since my freshman year in high school, but the first few years are immature drivel. There were lots of feelings, however, I find the feelings stupid now. Essentially, I write down day-to-day occurrences and feelings in the LiveJournal. I used to update a lot, but now if something special strikes me that’s the only time I feel the need. I have a written diary, but I only write in that for private feelings.

I guess I should get to the point of this. I intend to write tangents in this blog. They will definitely relate back to me and my feelings, however, the substance will not be purely anecdotal, as is the case in my LiveJournal. The tangents will be ideas, if they can be called that. I’m going to see this as a dumping-grounds for my brain. I think a lot of things. Sometimes I feel as though they’d be fun to share but I just don’t quite know how to do it or who to share it with. I won’t say that all of these thoughts will be unique or interesting, but I don’t care. 🙂

I guess I should introduce myself? Give a little context to the thoughts? It’s silly that I’m going to introduce myself because I’m going to assume the people who read this are my friends. I’m going to post it on my Facebook. No one’s going to click the link. I’m talking to myself. Hi, Anita, how are you? I’m all right. I should be reading some book.

Anywhoo. My name is Anita, but I think you guessed that. Presently, I’m twenty-years-old. I attend the University of New Hampshire. I’m a psych major and I hope to acquire an English minor, but I’m a slacker who becomes very confused at the slightest thought of any sort of administration interaction. Something in my brain just flips the “go to mush” switch whenever anything that involves being remotely organized or methodical comes into play. Silly.

I find talking about my personality more important than talking about the things I do. I don’t like them to define me, but it often helps people understand my interests and values.  I think. So, people are my favorite. I love people. I love people-watching, to the point where it becomes borderline creepy. I say borderline to make myself feel less bad about it. One of the most fascinating things is to just sit and ponder the lives of strangers. Don’t you ever sit in a subway and wonder where everyone is going? Do you want to learn their life stories? I often think to myself, “Are they going home to someone who loves them?” For some reason the last one is the most important to me because people on the subway always look so terribly sad. I can only hope that when they get to their destinations, someone will greet them with open arms and melt the frown away.
I digress. Greatly. Expect  a lot of that here. Stream of consciousness writing! I learned about that in Intro to Lit Analysis! …See what I mean? Digressions.

Yeah. I like people. I like to talk to people, but I consider myself initially shy. Get to know me and you’ll forget that I was every shy when we first met. As a matter of fact, you may adamantly deny that I was ever shy. Silly. I really like music, pictures, and words. Essentially, I like things that aren’t math. It’s another thing on the “brain-to-mush” list.

I love giving advice. I want to know your inner-workings. I want to know your deepest secrets and your undisclosed desires (hehe). That’s not a lie, by the way. I feel very close to a lot of people because they have the tendency to open up to me. Try my advice-giving services out some time. I’d be more than happy to help, or just listen. I love to love and support people. I’m a stupid bleeding-heart. Sue me.

This is getting way too long for my liking. What you must know is that I find myself extremely hard to get to know. I am most certainly not “an open book.” It is important to be courteous and pleasant to people when you meet them, and certainly depending on the context in which I meet you I might say some pretty scandalous things. However, keep in mind that I’m full of surprises. Perhaps this blog will help shed some light (is the word for that elucidate? I wanted to use elucidate instead of that but I didn’t want to misuse it and sound pretentious) on me. Mostly, I just want people to think and perhaps understand what goes on inside that CUH-RAY-ZEE brain of mine.

PS: I’m an INFP. That’s a very important fact.

PPS: I love you. 🙂