Could it be that everything goes ’round by chance, or only one way, that it was always meant to be?

I stole that title from a Jimmy Eat World song titled “Kill” and I wanted to throw that out there before anyone thought that was my brilliance.

In any case, since this blog is in its infancy I feel the need to explain my intent of this at the outset of each entry. I mean, I have a lot of different intentions, but I feel as though when I started it yesterday, it was going to lean more on the cynical criticism side. However, today I was just pondering life…per usual…and I guess I want to take a more hopeful route. It’s cynical towards the status quo but it’s not wrong to strongly wish for something that’s never going to happen, right?

At the risk of sounding extremely whiny, life is so unfair. I just threw a cliche bomb at you and I apologize. However, it’s very true.

One thing that I love to tell myself to believe in is karma. I want to do good things for other people out of the sheer love in my heart, definitely. Sometimes, though, I believe that if I give off goodness to other people, eventually someday it will find its way back to me. I don’t want to sound like I’m horribly unfortunate or anything. I live a good life. I have wonderful people surrounding me (family, friends, classmates, professors, etc.) and I come from a reasonably fortunate lifestyle situation. That alone should be enough to satiate me, but I constantly find myself craving more. I just want to have intangible goodness come back to me. I want to feel loved, invincible, accomplished, strong, and all of that other good stuff I don’t readily feel. I definitely don’t think I’m a saint by any means. I have my flaws…but come on, karma. I spread the love. Sometimes.

DIGRESSION TIME! As of late, I feel as though my quality as a human being has taken a nose dive. If the karma system worked on points, I would certainly be in a hole. The reason why I feel this way is because certain misfortunes have befallen me in life (I’m not about to elaborate) and now I feel that I must have done something to deserve them. Be assured, it’s nothing catastrophic but sometimes I wonder, “…Why me?” Again, whiny, stupid, I know. However, going by the karma I wish to believe in, I need to think myself, “All right, it’s me, now how the hell do I make sure this doesn’t happen again? Good person points? Plz?”

But that’s just my personal experience with karma. I can’t say that  know all of the people who are extremely important to me inside and out. However, I know them fairly well and sometimes I sit and think to myself, “Why the hell do bad things happen to this good person?” It doesn’t seem fair to me and it frustrates me to no end because I know I stand no chance against the forces of the universe! Ugh!

Sometimes I wonder if bad things happen to good people for a reason. Perhaps they are to be our models, to teach us to be strong and handle our problems with grace. I know people far better than I who have dealt with worse misfortunes and I certainly wish I could be more like them. Being such a good, strong, person will set an example for others so maybe that’s the reason behind it?

I’m going to risk embarrassment here and say that one person popped into my head (no, I will not tell you who). I don’t want to be one of those weird girls who says she gets people when she hangs around them enough, but I get a general understanding of your heart after conversing a bit. This one particular individual has one of the most pure hearts I think I have encountered, however, there is such a great sadness there too. I don’t know what this person has done to deserve such sadness in his/her life. Something in my chest tightens when I think about how much he/she doesn’t deserve it.  There has to be a reason why this happens to him/her, right? Yes? Anyone? Please?
Maybe there’s not even a reason. Here I am, going on about life occurrences like everything happens for a reason, which brings me to the title. Is it all chance? Or does everything that happens to us reflect some intangible force and course? (Oh man that rhymed. I love poetry.)

It’s confusing, but mostly frustrating. I want to believe that good people will get all of the love they give to the world back threefold. Desperately. Maybe I’m too young to understand that maybe things will come around for me and everyone else one day, but, maybe this idea of karma is just giving me hope I shouldn’t have.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I want it. I’d rather hope.


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