Remember when you used to shine and have no fear or sense of time when it creeps up on you?

This past weekend, I decided to go home. Those who are reading this who are from my home town understand that there is little to do, especially when your friends aren’t home, so instead of pestering someone for company I decided to venture to the mall.

Being alone at the mall without much of a purpose was horrendously odd. I wanted to go get some information on my ring and do some present shopping, but other than that, I was just there for the sake of being somewhere. I noticed that my feet were moving much faster than everyone else’s. Even though I had absolutely no objective, I’ve gotten used to walking everywhere with a solid purpose. I guess that’s how college is. I’m rushing to class, rushing to see my friends, rushing to dinner, rushing, rushing, rushing. I wondered if that’s how life is going to be from here on out.

Being a Friday or Saturday night (I went both nights for errands haha) I saw a fair share of high school and middle school kids with nothing better to do, loitering, eating, giggling, running about, all the same things I used to do when I was that age. One girl reminded me oddly of myself, highlighted hair which she had yet to learn how to style, way too much eye makeup, a “Team Jacob” t-shirt, and I felt my general demeanor when I was 15. Given, I didn’t own a “Team Jacob” t-shirt when I was 15, but I owned a few My Chemical Romance ones. It was odd to think that was me five years ago, because five years seems like such a long time to someone who is only 20.

I wonder how much I’ve changed and at the same time, how much I haven’t.

Stylistically I’ve changed. I pay a lot more attention to the way I look and present myself. I was chubbier at 15, but I somehow convinced myself that my t-shirt size was a men’s XL. Yeah…no. I received my first hair straightener when I was 17, so my hair was tragic. I wore gummy bracelets, baggy pants, and lots of eyeliner. Black was essentially the only color in my wardrobe (it’s still prominent, but I’m actually wearing some red right now!). The thought of being 20 never really crossed my mind. I was too concerned with just surviving high school.

Now that I’m 20, I feel like I should be wiser and just…know better. Even though I was an adult, legally speaking, at 18, I felt as though I could chalk up all of my youthful indiscretions to being a “stupid teenager.” Now, I have no excuse. I am 20. I should be responsible. The thing is, I don’t feel any different from that 15-year-old girl. I have different views on life, certainly. However, I’m still that girl I was at 15, trying to figure out herself and the world between all of the obligations of life. I am different in some ways, but I don’t feel like time has passed. I feel young and crazy. I know that 20 isn’t old at all, but it’s just the concept of getting older that freaks me out. I can’t imagine myself ever feeling something other than young and crazy.

Everything is happening so fast and everyone is growing up so fast. It’s just the strangest feeling in the world. I used to want to get married right out of college. That’s two years from now. There is no way that is ever going to happen because I’d want to date someone for a few years before getting engaged…hah. But, this is going to happen to people I know and it’s just so strange! I know some of my classmates have already had children and that absolutely blows my mind. I can hardly take care of myself, and here are my peers, being responsible for another life.

Growing up is so strange and surreal. I’m aware the speech in this is just so poor and I’m doing a bad job expressing myself. I am just stunned and in awe of everything.

I wanted to look like ~*~*GERARD WAY*~*~ because I worshipped him. I don't know why I thought this was cute. Have a good lol at my expense.

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